If you fell in love with cinema the first time you went then we have something in common.

Still I want to get my weekly fix of the big screen and for that will watch Oscar winning scripts to popcorn thrillers with equal abandonment. I go on my own, and with others who don’t talk during the film.

What I can’t quite manage today is to watch a film with pure sadness. I read reviews for the clues that this is hidden in the story, and move on. Make a little note to catch up in a different time.

I’ve just got to get through tonight but I can’t make it stop. I can’t make my head quiet down.

If I can get to tomorrow perhaps it will feel better. I don’t really believe that. I spoke to my therapist and she said that you want the pain to stop, but if you do that everything will stop and you don’t want that to happen. She’s checking if I care.

It’s bin day tomorrow. On Sunday I’d felt ok so I brought the bins round the alley – a pre-emptive strike just in case. So now all I have to do is take the bag of rubbish from the kitchen a few yards out from the front of the house. I think about it for a while, the mountain to climb to get up and do that task. I promise myself I can go to bed after that, so I do it. I’m going to be ok tonight, the bargains with myself are still working.

I come to bed and lie down and cry silently. The news tells of a family who have been killed. My boyfriend messages me something random about his day.

I’m going to be ok tonight.